As a little treat, I thought I'd post the welcome pack we left for Mr B's mother when she invited herself, her dog, and her ex lesbian partner-bullied best friend to stay in our house for a week over christmas. Thank fuck Mr B and I were house sitting in Mayfair for the duration. Of course, we spent the best part of a day mother proofing the house. Little things, you know - hiding the goose down pillows (not my idea). I suggested putting them on the far side of the bed, but this wasn't enough for Mr B. Then I put them on top of the wardrobe, but Mr B. still wasn't happy. So we had to put them in separate suitcases on top of the wardrobe. I felt a bit evil, but Mr B. said, no, 'I know what she's like.' We then had to hide all the good china and the knife that goes rusty if you don't dry it up straight away. All the good blankets were hidden, and the rug was swapped for a less nice one.
I cannot imagine what the house would've been like if it hadn't been for laying down several rules. On visiting our guests (we actually took them by surprise), it was amazing how our North London middle class home was transformed into a 'cozy cottage' with shit EVERYWHERE! Dog toys, bags, boxes baskets, massive flappy waxed jackets, dirty flannels in the sink etc.
Here are the rules, or welcome pack
Welcome to the T Road Boarding House. We hope you have a pleasant stay. A few pointers:
Kitchen
Please do not put anything in the sink, or even touch it with any hard object, ever. Use the washing up bowl always.
The formica worktops cannot double as chopping boards (even if it’s just a piece of cheese or butter) or as a heatproof surface. Never, ever put hot things directly onto the formica – it will burn and life will not be worth living. Wooden chopping boards are in the bottom right hand drawer near the kettle. There are glass mats to put things on.
Don’t cut cheese with a sharp knife. There are butter knives which cut cheese very well. These are in the cutlery drawer by the kettle. There is also a cheese slicing thing which is white with cheese wire in it in the wide utility drawer.
The drawers in general, but particularly the food drawer, should not be leant on when browsing through it – it is already overloaded, and won’t take more weight.
Compost can be put in the little bin at the back, under the sink – and it can be emptied into the little green bin under the spiral staircase.
Please don’t leave teabags to stew in teapots all day. I’m insane.
The heating is operated from the boiler – it’s fairly self-explanatory. We have it on a timer for you, but if you are cold and it’s not on, you can over-ride it by switching it to ‘on’ – just remember to switch back either to ‘off’ or to ‘timer’.
Bathroom
Put shower head over the bath before running it, as it leaks. Remember to turn the taps off well, as they can drip.
Living Room
Blinds: This may be best handled by T. M will find it annoying and depressing! The blinds are derelict rags which need to be handled with extreme care and understanding, involving a threadbare pulley system. The trick is this: When letting them down, you need to hold the weight of the blind with one hand, whilst releasing the thread with the other – if the thread takes the weight, it’s liable to get caught and broken. When pulling them up, the same applies, even more so. There will be a training session on this, offered by Mr Beaten.
Rocking chair – this has bespoke pale upholstery, which doesn’t withstand cleaning – basically we don’t sit in it much, and Dogs should avoid it, within a radius of four foot, especially when wet. We’ve covered it with a throw as we know it’s hard to control ones tail.
Downstairs front room
Anyone can use the computer. Login as Guest. Password is ‘apple’.
Safari in the dock at the bottom is your internet browser and Word is your word processing software.
Please keep the door to this room closed at all times. There are a large number of fabric rolls which must be in pristine condition for muff enterprises etc. So, sorry Dogs, you aren’t allowed in here!
Downstairs Loo
This still has a broken seat – the perfect replacement is yet to be found. In the meantime, careful it doesn’t bite your bum.
Enjoy your stay – if at all possible!
On our return, I only had to wash the mud off the walls in the hall and up the stairs. Other than that, it was a bit like being in the Cherry Orchard in reverse - removing dust cloths, unpacking cherished blankets and pillows, putting the china back. I only hope they never come and stay again. Unfortunately, the fucking schnorrers seem to have developed a taste for London life.
